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Finally after putting him in the pack and play for a bit while I cleaned up someone else's accident on the carpet, I put him in the Moby wrap. We walked around and I sat down to rock him. He wrestled and fought me, and finally crawled himself out of the wrap! I let him play for a few more minutes and finally wrapped him back up and walked around long enough for him to fall asleep.
Finally, he surrendered.
I was thinking about how this is what I'm going through right now in anticipation of the heart surgery next week. Fighting this experience with all that is in me, wrestling with the thoughts and imagining the worst outcomes. Keeping myself up late at night and distracting myself through the day.
At some point I am going to have to give up. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done.” Luke 22:42. Christ has gone through the ultimate suffering, and I will have to drink the cup of suffering that is being placed before me. My little boy has to suffer, and I will have to watch, just like Our Lady.
I have to walk through this suffering. It is coming one way or another. It won't be a pleasant experience, but we will get through it together, supported in prayer by so many of you. Right now, though, I need validation that it is okay to be sad about it. It is okay to cry and worry, because I am a mother and I hate to see my children suffer. I have to hand over my healthy child for (what I'd consider) a horrific procedure so that he will not suffer as an adult. And that rips my heart to pieces.
I pray that he is grateful we walked this journey with him when we did. I pray that he has a long life with a healthy heart, and that this experience makes us all stronger for the journey. There are many lessons here about trust, and surrender, and gratitude, and healing, and faith...and I pray that we take them in and ponder them in our hearts and minds in the coming days.
God bless my sweet Steven Joseph. May you have many more days to run and play to your heart's content, with nothing holding you back, a heart healed and filled with the love of God who created you just as you are and will be with you forevermore.
7 comments:
May Our Lady comfort and help you. Our prayers will be with you. It is our cross as mothers to constantly surrender our precious little blessings in small and big ways...and it is surely difficult!!!
I would worry, too! We will pray that God will comfort you and the rest of the family, that His hand would be on the surgeons, and that Steven will recover quickly!
Beautifully written, Blair. I'm praying for Steven Joseph and your family.
Found you through Abigail's Alcove... I know the apprehension of taking a "healthy" child in for surgery. Our son was born with three cardiac defects including a ventricular septal defect (same issue, bottom chambers). His VSD was so large that both chambers acted as one. Joey spent 4 of his first five weeks after birth in the hospital, and only three months later, it was time to bring him in for the VSD repair while the other defects were not stressing his heart.
I remember the morning of his surgery with the intense desire to drive somewhere-anywhere-else, just not to the hospital. The surgery was a success, and he recovered in record time.
I'll be praying for your family.
God is so close your fammily right now. I love that you are taking the time to allow Him to be felt. I am praying for success. God is great.
I too, am a heart Mom. Your post describes so beautifully what I am also feeling. I'm in agony knowing that I will have to give my little son (4 months) up to people I don't know, but have to trust, for open heart surgery. I will pray for you, Blair. I know that the only way I made it through his first surgery was because Christ was carrying me. And now I have to surrender to knowing that it's the only way I'm going to make it through the second and third surgery.
I'm getting teary-eyed just reading this love letter to Our Lord and Our Lady. I'm sure she cried at the foot of the Cross, even though She had the most perfect faith of any creature. May your tears of trust be a pleasing sight before the Throne of Grace.
I plan to fast all day when your boy has his surgery, so please let us know the date and time.
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