Her earthly belongings

dwell in my garage. The boxes call me. They speak her name. They breathe the life that is gone. They share the memories of her with her boys. The plans she had for the future. The joys of the Christmas ornaments and the coffee mugs. The craft projects and the worn shoes.

One of her wishes was that her belongings be sold to put towards a trust for her boys. Her wish. But how to give away a life to strangers? Her jewelry and her clothing? Her dishes and her towels? Her jewelry and furniture and books? This is too hard.

A few things we will buy ourselves. Things to remember her. I hold a necklace in my hands. Run my fingers across the colorful beads of blue. From a colorful time gone by. Days of life and love and joy. Dinners with friends, bike rides with boys. Nature hikes and daily mass.

The rhythm of an ordinary life that held an extra heavy burden. The cancer was there at every turn. Chasing her at night, washing fear into her days. Oh, the agony of five years of suffering! How did she carry on?

Fight she did. With all her mind, all her soul, and all her strength. For her boys. But in the end God was calling her. Leave your possessions behind and follow me.

The ironing board and sewing machine will dwell with that mother of 12. The bunk beds will hold her children's friends. The rocker will rock some baby she loved to hold. The towels will dry a cold and wet body. The books will inspire a friend. The plates will hold the meals of a family. The jewelry will bring a smile to that lady's face. And the Christmas wreath will bring joy to a new home.

Whether the belongings dwell with friends or strangers, it doesn't matter. She needs them no more. Her smile and memories will always be a part of her family and friends. Her strength and courage and determination will inspire us. Her ordinary life will help us to find joy in our days and faith in our nights.

Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, "You are lacking in one thing. Go, sell what you have, and give to (the) poor and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me." Mark 10:21

Dead Trees

Last week we had a tree company come to remove 2 dead trees from our backyard. The children were totally entertained watching this man climb up the tall tree and cut off the branches with a chainsaw, while the other workers helped to remove all the limbs from the ground. I think it kept the kids entertained for a couple hours!

My mind is filled with many thoughts these weeks. First of all I'm remembering my friend Kelly, our good times together, her final days, her memorial services, and thinking of her boys and hoping they are doing well with their father overseas. I know it's going to be very emotional as we start to sort through her belongings and prepare them for sale over the next few days. I'm looking forward to finding a few little treasures to keep in the house to remember her.

Today I'm also remembering Linda, the other mother of young children who died of pancreatic cancer last week. Her funeral is today and I so wish I could be there to honor her beautiful life spent serving others. Natalia was the young lady who died of Leukemia. Just before her diagnosis she had started a group to collect shoe donations for children in need. Shelly was a mother and grandmother who was part of an online community which has been a big part of my life the past 6 years, who passed suddenly last Friday of a possible heart attack. She was a devoted homeschooling mother who served the youth of her parish, attending World Youth Day and working in the food pantry ministry.

Throughout the day I am thinking about the lives and deaths of these beautiful ladies. I'm dealing with grief, processing my sadness, and shedding tears. I'm having to let go of these earthly friends, somewhat like sawing off the branches of the trees. As the branches fall, I'm watching their earthly bodies fall to the ground, taken away. I can hear their voices though, still loud and clear, encouraging me to continue on my journey.

Their earthly smiles and the charity they showed to those around them were like the beautiful living branches of a tree, offering shade to those in their presence. The bright green colors of their leaves will not be seen on earth again. But I know we will see the fruits of their prayers for us. As a Catholic, I believe in the Communion of Saints, that those in Heaven can pray for us. We can ask their intercession and imagine them praising God with all the saints and angels around the throne!

But right now, the tree branches seem to all be scattered among the yard which is my mind. I am working on letting go, working on the joy which should come with knowing that they are no longer suffering, but experiencing the true happiness of seeing God face to face.

As I work through this grief and try to let those branches be taken away, I also have to work through the other grief I've been facing...the fear and unknowns about the possible heart surgery for Steven Joseph next year. Thinking of my healthy toddler on a heart/lung machine and ventilator is almost to much to bear and I need to put that in God's hands for now, hoping and praying for a miracle. May God heal his heart defect through the intercession of these faithful women and Father Solanus Casey! (more on that later)

Unfortunately I'm also still dealing with the grief caused by the scandal of the founder of the lay movement I've been a part of. I am having to let go of the trust I had placed in this man, my false hopes that his earthly life was like one of a saint. I had spent many, many days meditating on his words and reflections in prayer. It has now done harm to my spiritual life as I'm really having a hard time moving forward and grieving this person who was not who I thought he was. Again, I need to put this in God's hands, recognize that all men are sinful, and try to put my trust in God and not in man.

The challenges, losses, and health issues of this year have been very hard. But I have a lot to be thankful for. Even though those branches and big trees are gone, I still have a big backyard where children run and play and find joy in the little things. They see those tree stumps there but don't dwell on them. They don't entertain the "should have done" or "could have been" thoughts. They live in the present and see life for what it is now.

But I'm still glaring out the window. Hopefully I can run out and play in the grass soon.

Recovering

My heart and mind are starting to recover, but my home is still in need of some deep healing and cleansing!

What my mind and house have been like the past few weeks!

We made it through Kelly's Memorial Mass, Burial, and Reception. Many tears were shed, but hope prevails. Yesterday we said goodbye to her boys, and I tried my hardest to hold it together. We are going to miss those mischievous monkeys and their mama! Today they moved with their father overseas.

As Kelly's Mass was starting, a new soul was entering eternal life. Linda, another Catholic mom in this area, passed away on Thursday after a short battle with pancreatic cancer, leaving behind a 13yr old daughter, 6yr old son, and devoted husband. Then yesterday I woke up to discover that an online message board friend had suddenly passed away. What a week!

Today was a new day, with new hope and blessings, but a busy one nonetheless. Ellie had her first birthday party to go to without her big sister, then we went on a bike ride with Stevie and Daddy. Tonight she got to run another errand with me and was thrilled to have a special "Ellie day!" Mary Clare had fun with NeNe planning her January birthday details.

Tomorrow we will brave 7:00am Mass again and start the new week. I'll be starting "I" week over again, since last week was focused on survival and assisting with details for Kelly's services and not much official homeschooling was completed. I'll also be preparing to host a yard sale next weekend to benefit Kelly's boys, so I think that will continue to keep us on our toes!

I have lots of photos to share and stories to tell, but now I need to pick out mass clothes and find a spot in my bed! Last time I looked there were 3 children in my spot! Have a blessed Sunday, all!

Final Goodbyes

(A friend gave me this photo tonight which I'd never seen before. What a beautiful gift that I will cherish. She and I were apparently upper-gum smiley partners!)

I had ample opportunities to say goodbye to my friend. I visited her during one of her last hospital stays, saw her twice at her mom's home, and three times at the hospice house. But for some reason, I still feel that it has yet to sink in, that I need some closure which the funeral will hopefully bring. The past few days/weeks I've been doing and doing...keeping busy is what I tend to do to deal with stress.

Today my friends and I spent nearly 7 hours creating a scrapbook for Kelly's boys. It was fun putting the pictures together and spending time with my friends while the 15 kids ran wild around our house and backyard! But it wasn't until the last friend was starting to leave, that things started to hit me. Kelly is gone and we're going to be saying our forever goodbyes to her, and possibly her boys, tomorrow and Thursday.

Tomorrow will be the Vigil and Rosary and Thursday morning a Memorial Mass and Burial. The traditions of our Catholic faith are familiar and healing. There is a sort of peace that comes with these beautiful, ancient rites of our Church. I hope it will be a healing celebration for all of us, especially her family.

I ask of you, dear readers, to please pray for all of us who mourn the passing of this young mother. For her two precious sons, who are dear to us and part of our homeschool family, and now prepare to move far away with their father. And for her extended family, that Christ would continue to heal hearts and draw souls closer to Himself through his beautiful daughter Kelly Ann. We miss her so much.

Thank you.

Rest in peace

Kelly, we love you and miss your gorgeous smile already.

Kelly passed away at 7:00 am today
(the photo is her with SJ, Divine Mercy Sunday 2008)

Final Hours

Please offer a prayer for dear Kelly,

as she suffers through her final hours.

All Saints and All Souls will be special feasts this year.

May God give her and her family comfort and peace.

Hospice

Yesterday was my first time to enter a hospice facility. What a calling that must be for the nurses and staff who work there! Their gentle spirits and interest in each patient and visitor really moved me.

Of course I was visiting my friend Kelly who is still fighting hard. I was amazed at the strength she still holds, even though her body is very, very weak. She did not want anyone to help her with those simplest of actions which she can no longer do very well. She wanted to acknowledge my presence and spoke kind words. I was able to pray the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet aloud while she slept, and hopefully act as a familiar face while the nurses cared for her when she was awake.

I just can't imagine what it would be like day in and day out to watch patients leave their facility in only one way. It was odd to think of how many souls had left that room for another realm. A very unique place, that's for sure.

And yet when I think more about it, to me it will probably become one of those endearing locations like my local hospital. Every time I drive by the place where my children entered this world, I am struck with an emotion I can't quite describe. I can look in the window and see families in the waiting room on the birthing floor, likely awaiting the arrival of their newest family member. I drive by that place in awe and wonder at the life that God gives.

Something about hospitals brings about that emotion in me, and I think this hospice center will bring about a similar feeling. The place where life ends, where friends say goodbye, where families are separated on earth. I am drawn to it as I am drawn to hospitals and nursing homes. (I think I might have a nurse's calling in another phase of life!) Such vulnerable people dwell there. To hold the hand of an elderly patient, to cuddle a crying newborn, to bring flowers to someone recovering from surgery, or to offer a simple smile and words of love to someone who is dying...isn't that what we are about?

Visiting a place like that puts your priorities in place too. All weekend long I was longing for a quick shopping trip to Target for a few items. I kept putting it off for other important errands, and I was thinking that I'd head there after visiting Kelly yesterday. But as the clock ticked on I really had no desire to go anywhere but just to stay with her until someone else arrived. In the end, no one else did come, and I felt like I do when I have to leave my grandmother's nursing home. Saying goodbye to someone who is alone and who you may never see again on earth...it's a hard thing to do. I hope to get to visit again soon.

Please continue to pray for my friend, and for all the dying, and for those who care for them.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world...

Saying Goodbye

I'm sorry I have been MIA the past few days. I am trying to process the suffering of my dear friend. I have felt somewhat emotionally and physically weak and it has been hard to put into words what my mind is contemplating. But here is an attempt...

One afternoon this week I was blessed to spend a few short but precious minutes alone with my dear friend Kelly. I never knew how special a big hug and kiss could be...one of the most moving moments of my life. Her battle here is ending, but in faith we know her eternal future is approaching. Her suffering here must have merit beyond this earthly world. It must. Her spirit is strong, strong beyond that body that she has fought so hard against.

But The Father calls his children home. This is not our home. Every time I turn on the radio this week I am reminded that "there's a time to live and a time to die...He is with you....I'm by your side...My hands are holding you...I can only imagine what my eyes will see when your face is before me..." I know he is speaking those words to me and to my friends in this trying time. He reminds us that the end of this world is just the beginning of eternity. We trust in God's mercy and his promise of eternal happiness, but sometimes our faith is weak and we hate to see our dear ones suffer.

I have known Kelly from before we were homeschooling friends. Kelly was our apartment neighbor and we enjoyed getting to know her and our other neighbors, spending time at the park and the pool, enjoying that life before school years. As time progressed, Kelly became a homeschooler, a breast cancer sufferer, a single mom, and then a Catholic. How things can change in 5 years!

We all knew that the end would come one day. Her cancer was such that there was not hope for a full recovery. These past months many of the homeschool families have stepped up to become her true support network, day and night. Now she is back under the care of her family in her final days. I pray that it is a time of peace and reconciliation for all of them, and that her two young boys feel the comforting arms of the Father as they say goodbye to their mother.

It has been hard to enjoy the beauties of this week...the simple joys of the children, park days, ballet class, family visits, reading books, work successes, and even a visit to a state park...they are all overshadowed by the sorrow of my friend's suffering and death. I pray that God will grant us all peace and I humbly ask for your prayers for Kelly, her family, her friends, and her caregivers as well. Jesus, we trust in You.

Oh Tiny Cross!

At the brief park visit...toddler sleeping, trying to feed baby a bottle (didn't want it) and watch the preschoolers play right outside the car. Definitely a picture moment! Not sure I'm cut out for 5 children anytime soon!

I know my own crosses are tiny in the grand scheme...but sometimes they feel a bit heavy, don't they?

These past two days have each been one of those days. You know, those days when nothing goes quite right? Add two additional children to the mixture and things get spiced up quite a bit!

Yesterday we got the news that a dear friend is in her final days/weeks of her 5-year battle with breast cancer. Oh, she has fought so hard! She has taught me many a lesson in determination, acceptance, and trust. I know she appreciates any and all prayers as she says goodbye to friends and family, in particular her two young boys. May Our Lady of the Rosary cover Kelly in her mantle of love and peace.

Steven has started a new job which we are so thankful for! But his hours leave a lot to be desired, and his time at home is very, very limited. We have done this before; I know how to run the house without backup. But still we miss him, especially little SJ who talks about "Ball...Daddy" all day long! And waking up with him for work during the 4 o'clock hour is just not a natural thing for hubby or for me (but at least I get to go back to sleep for a bit). Lots of adjustments...

Yesterday the children spent quite a bit of time fighting over toys, and today we experienced more of the same. Steven Joseph has been great with little Baby "D" overall, but there are of course the moments when both are crying...one needs a bottle and the other needs nursing, the older ones are arguing, and I can't meet everyone's needs at once! Also add in a brief illness scare (which looks to be nothing), and this mama is worn out physically and mentally!

Yesterday after the boys had left, my kids were getting really whiny, when all of a sudden I realized it was National Night Out and there was a big festival at the park! So I packed them all up in the double stroller and braved the heat and mosquitoes for an adventure down the street. Free safety goodies, chips and hot dogs, and a fun park tired them out! The kids fell asleep watching one of the new PBS National Parks documentaries online--highly recommend it! Steven Joseph woke up today demanding to eat some of the Cheetos he'd gotten last night. Took me a long time to distract him on that one. Then he kept asking for something on top of the fridge (I assumed it was the chips), when I finally realized it was a fishing lure that he wanted! Oh boy!

This afternoon things started to go haywire when we readied ourselves for Mary Clare's Pickwick Meeting (little girls' club). We had the two additional boys over, so I started getting everyone ready about 40 minutes before we needed to leave. Both boys were supposed to get picked up before we left, but there was a chance they would come with us, so I was planning accordingly. I was trying to put on some decent clothes and makeup, find shoes for everyone, a dress for MC, diapers, water, and the like. Steven Joseph had been eating crayons from last night's goodies and needed a shirt change after drooling colorful crayon bits all over the one he was wearing! Then it turned out I would need to bring both of the other boys with me.

About 15 minutes before we needed to leave I realized that I had no carseat for one of the children! His mom came to bring one, and then I realized I also could not fit all 5 children in my van because of a broken seatbelt. I lost my keys, and was starting to lose my cool! I should have taken hubby's advice and called it a bust at that point. But C's mom followed us to our destination, I got Mary Clare to her meeting only a few minutes late, and I headed with the rest of the crew over to the park down the street from the meeting (only lasting a few minutes there because of the blazing sun!).

I somehow handled those two hours with 4 little ones out of the house...bottles, diapers, and all! A few friends with extra arms at the meeting were a God-send. Both girls went to the bathroom before we left to go home, but of course one of them needed to go again as soon as we started driving. Thankfully she fell asleep! Not sure how I would've managed that one. I got home just before the 2nd mother came to pick up the baby (today was his last day here), and I found the entire contents of our trash can...full of food and diapers...all over the kitchen floor. The dog had pushed open the back door while we were gone. I forgot to feed him this morning, so he did have a reason for rummaging, poor guy!

As I was picking up the last of the fruit peels and coffee rinds, the broom fell over smack right on top of my head. Ouch! It "hit the nail on the head"...a crazy end to a wild two days! I can do no more. My day is done. Off to find some dinner that I don't have to cook...

But also reminding myself how blessed I am to spend these days with my children and these other sweet boys. My heart is heavy for my dying friend...

Oh tiny Cross!