Thursday, August 18, 2011

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

(Warning to grandmas and other sensitive souls...this is kind of a depressing post, so you may not want to read!)

Our fall activities are in full swing, and we plan to start our official homeschool year on Monday. But now I feel like the clock is ticking. Every day is one day closer to the heart surgery and to moving, and now it's real and it's getting hard.

I spoke with our cardiologist yesterday, and the MRI confirmed his previous findings regarding the hole in Steven's heart and some blood-flow involvement with his pulmonary vein. So the hole will be patched and the vein will have some reconstruction, through open heart surgery, and we are being referred to the surgeon to discuss that in the coming weeks. And so my dream of a miracle closure is foiled, now I just have to be grateful for the "miracles" in modern medicine and heart surgery.

Today we had orientation for the wonderful classical co-op we'll be doing using the Classically Catholic Memory program. We are really excited about it! Then we had lunch with friends, some playtime at my parents' house, and then went to the girls' first ballet class of the new school year. They were thrilled! Ellie had her leotard on about two hours early :) Tonight I scheduled a last-minute mom's night out, which was great fun!

But as we start the new school year and enter into all these activities, I feel very guarded and like the clock is ticking. We have to tell everyone that we won't be here long, that we're getting ready to move. I'm welcoming new families to our area and the homeschool group while trying to find peace with our own moving plans. And I sometimes end up explaining that we're facing this surgery with our boy. None of it sounds fun, and all of it feels overwhelming.

Six weeks ago I was ready to up and move, pack up my house for a new adventure. My soul felt ready for a change and we had been praying for a new job opportunity and felt this was it. Now I'm having a harder time. I knew that moving in the middle of the year was going to be hard for all of us, but it's the way the cards fell and so we'll make due. Once we get into the swing of things, hopefully we'll just enjoy them without always thinking about tomorrow. But that's my nature.

I remember getting ready for a minor dental surgery when I was a preteen. I was so worked up about the whole thing. Everything I did in the days before the surgery felt like the last time on earth I'd be doing them. I was so anxious and worried about it all. And then all of a sudden it was over without a complication. Life was normal again and it was just a little bump in the road.

I know that's how this will be. We'll get through this surgery even stronger. God will teach us a lot through the experience of allowing our child to be operated on in this way. He is asking so much trust of us right now as we face these two big bumps in the road. I pray that I have that trust and peace as we make the decisions about the surgery, and as we all prepare to say goodbye to our friends and family and this comfortable area we know and love, to embark on a new journey in an unfamiliar land.

I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer tonight. But it's how I'm feeling. I'm trying to find the positives in it all. It's hard to find positives in open heart surgery, but I know God can show us his goodness and providence through it. I know that the move is going to bring about good change in our family. And so my next reflective post will be about the exciting things about our move! There are fun things to look forward to and we need to focus on those to get us through this time! Thanks for following our journey :)


Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you, Blair!! Hugs to you all. I know God has a plan for you.

Kristy B said...

Praying for you all thru all of this. It's hard to stay happy all the time, we need time to work thru the emotions. I know I do :) But overall is a good thing!

Jill said...

Thinking of you!!

Amy Parris said...

Catching up after a long hiatus but reading about your son prompted me to comment.

I will be praying for you and your little guy. My dad just had triple bypass surgery and so I can feel your nerves and fears. I will say that modern medicine is absolutely miraculous and my mom, the nurse, said that most heart problems are totally fixable these days.

I pray that you have a peace through all of this and that Steven's heart will be stronger than ever!

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