Early Pregnancy Musings

aka "A long whine"

aka "No reason for worrying grandmas to read this rambling post"

So my life has changed dramatically in the past two weeks.  There's a new little soul with us and for that we are so grateful. But the early excitement about the new baby was quickly overshadowed by fears about his or her health.  I was on a weight loss kick, was sick with tonsillitis, took 2 different antibiotics, many doses of Tylenol/Advil, wasn't taking pre-natal vitamins, and had an ultrasound to check on a concerning pain all in the very early days of pregnancy.  Then I had a dropping progesterone level and it took nearly 2 weeks to get the bloodwork, get results, get into a doctor, and finally get the medicine.  What a whirlwind!

Now I'm in the waiting period, hoping we can see that tiny heartbeat on ultrasound this week, so I can breathe a little sigh of relief. But then will come a host of decisions relating to doctor choices and delivery locations. I'm honestly scared out of my mind. I think it's a mix of the early pregnancy hormones combined with the extra hormone supplements I'm now getting that are making me feel incapable of much more than resting in bed all day. Pregnancy is a time when I usually feel very vulnerable and scared as I have faced 4 pretty traumatic deliveries. This last time with Thomas was a bit better than the others since I didn't go through an entire labor before I ended up on the operating table. But it was still scary in other ways as it was my earliest delivery and I was the most coherent since I wasn't exhausted at 10cm when they started the surgery!  Cesarean deliveries are no walk in the park, I mean who really wants to be awake while you're having major abdominal surgery? And living several hours away from my trusted doctor, close friends, and all of our family adds another level of stress to the mix. 

As you can tell, I have a lot of emotional baggage relating to delivering my babies, and now with each subsequent pregnancy I have a higher risk status during pregnancy and delivery, too. The fear has set in and I'm hoping that each day I can gain a little more confidence and hope. If I can focus on the best part of all of this, the baby, I will be a lot less anxious. Once my babies are here, things get so much better. Newborn care is usually a breeze for me. I've had easy breastfeeding experiences and am not all that affected by the lack of sleep. I've always said I would love to just care for tiny newborns every day. They're so innocent and easy!

These days of struggles and worries are nothing compared to the joy that comes from adding another precious child to our family. And I know God will give me the grace to handle whatever comes my way in the coming weeks and months. I ask your prayers, too, for the health of the baby and me, as well as the confidence to handle this pregnancy and delivery with grace and hope. Thank you for all the congratulations and prayers thus far. We are truly grateful!